I don't know about you, but I am thinking that there was once a time in my own life, when laughing, and crying were actions that just seemed to flow from me naturally, and for the most part, at appropriate times. I am not sure when that natural ability to laugh and cry became stifled, but I have noticed that I now have to work hard at doing either, and at the right times too yet! Go figure! For reasons I am not totally sure of, I tend to "stuff" the feelings of sadness, anger, grief, etc. down, and just go on about my business as if they didn't exist. It seems to work beautifully, until a day like today. Oh, it started out fine, got up, had my cup of coffee, watched 10 minutes of the Early Show, got ready for the day, even made it to my only scheduled event of the day on time! Then, after waiting in the lobby for the new receptionist to figure out who I was supposed to be having my appointment with and eventually being told that there was no record of me having an appointment with anyone today, all of what I had "stuffed" for the past several weeks, maybe even longer, began without warning to come oozing out. It didn't erupt in a mighty explosion all at once, but rather a slow and steady leak, and I am sorry to admit, not very pretty!
The first signs of seepage included I'm quite sure a well defined look of disgust, a VERY heavy sigh, and a swift exit from the lobby, followed by a slammed door after reentering my car, and a few choice words (said only to the steering wheel of my car) for the poor people who dared to mess up my otherwise good day. The seepage continued when only seconds later, the phone rang, and it was my daughter, wondering If I could drive her to school, as the bus she was expecting at the time posted on the website (which I of course checked so carefully the day before) had not yet come, and the chosen words this time were quite colorful and exuberant, if you get my drift! When I arrived home once again, not feeling any better, I continued with the leaking out of pent up feelings by doing what I have practiced for many years, (and I do it quite well I might add), by cleaning. Not just the light, once over quickie, but the hard at it clean like it's never been cleaned before kind. And when the sensations of pain came knocking fervently on the door of my brain, I ignored them like the plague, and kept right on, until the knocking was just too loud and I couldn't stand it any more!
After taking a break from the cleaning frenzy, I decided to pour myself into the mountain of never-ending paperwork on my desk, first checking email for anything new I might need to attend to as well. And there it was, right at the top of the in-basket, a letter from my "pain camp" friend, and several other responses from the others in the group, and right near the top under the heading "Challenge for the week" it said, "Catch yourself AT LEAST ONE TIME thinking a negative and self defeating thought about your rehab progress. Then kick it in the ASS and change it to a POSITIVE one!" I felt as though I had been caught red-handed in the midst of doing something terribly wrong, and while I could have ignored it and went on with my "oozing", I honored my own advice, and hers, and stopped dead in my tracks.
What happened next could be construed as another negative in an already long line of negative choices for the day, but it actually brought the healing I so desperately needed, and had not allowed myself to do for quite some time. I cried. I let the tears of anger and frustration and pain and sorrow flow. Without even thinking about it, I gave myself permission to feel all the things which I had put way down deep in the caverns of my soul, and had hoped would stay put. Before I could fully finish, the phone rang, and my dear and lifelong friend called. I knew with her I could safely continue what I had started, and that it was o.k. Once that was finished, at least for the time being, she interjected with some jokes which someone had emailed to her. I laughed. Not just a pretend laugh to appease the other, but a real, honest, out loud laugh! It felt just as good as it did to cry, and hearing her laughter on the other end of the line brought joy to my weary and exhausted spirit.
In that moment I was once again reminded of the promise my heavenly Father made, not only to me, but to all who would hear, that He will never leave us, and never forsake us. We will never be alone. As I let that in more and more, I noticed the "leaking" had stopped, and all was not lost.
Tonight, before I lay my tired body down to rest, I will meditate on these words from the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible:
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...
If you need to cry, cry. If the opportunity to laugh presents itself to you, laugh. Go ahead, it's truly o.k. You might just save yourself, and innocent others from a nasty, messy, even smelly leak! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment