Evening of Hope

As I sit here in my lawn chair, soaking up the evening sun, I am mindful of many things.  The first which is totally unrelated to the rest, is a fond memory I have of when I was a little girl.  My mother, who was a Pharmacist, and owned her own drugstore just down the street from our house, would come home after a long tiring day of being on her feet, filling prescriptions, educating patients, taking care of other customers, Dr.s, and the business as a whole, and before even entering the house, would go straight to the backyard, get in her yard lounge-chair, take off her shoes & stockings, recline all the way back and sink into a quick, deep nap.  Of course she could only do this during the warm summer months when the days were long, and still provided sunshine into the evening hours, just as it is for me now.  I guess as I do this, it brings her close to me in heart, when she is physically far away.


Today was truly a good day, which is something I have not been able to say honestly for a very long time.  I've actually had a few in a row, which is even more miraculous, and I am savoring the moments, with praise and gratitude.


This last four years in particular have been very full of trauma, upheaval, disappointment, loss, grief, and pain of varying kinds, all debilitating at times.  This last month, I have gone through things which have been even harder than what I believe most average people would be able to withstand.  Because I am a warrior, and have been given a spirit of diligence and perseverance even in the most despicable of circumstances, I realize that I often make the mistake of not allowing myself to fully process, or feel what I've experienced.  Rather, I stuff it down deep into the box of bygones, and bravely tread forward.



Today, in an unexpected place, at an unexpected time, and with a totally unexpected person, God gave me the gift of feeling, and gave me also the permission to grieve.  I was in the warm water pool at the Courage Center, receiving an amazing, relaxing, rejuvenating therapy called "Watsu", with Derek, who has been my "guide" in this process of learning how to relax for several months now.  At first, it seemed I was going to be able to fully enter in, and let go of all thoughts, all tenseness, and all pain, but as the minutes went by, I began to notice my mind taking me back to recent traumatic experiences, and I felt the need to tell myself silently the I was safe, and well.  


It worked for a short time, but when the thoughts came back, they were accompanied by my body shaking and panic rising in my chest.  Derek noticed, and gave me the option to stop.  He gave me space to cry, and to share what I was feeling.  His encouragement and praise for how far I've already come, gave me strength to get out of the pool, get dressed, come home to my sacred place, and continue the process.  When I think clearly about all that has taken place in my person in just this last month alone, it takes my breath away, and yet makes me want to sing aloud at the goodness of God!  I have gone from wanting my life to end, to attempting to make it happen, to recovering emotionally, and spiritually again.  I've then undergone treatments which for the very first time actually helped relieve my physical pain significantly, but despite the benefit, my body rejected the medicine and revolted by causing otherwise healthy organs to "put up a big fuss"!  


After the second successful treatments just six days ago, my body, without warning, began to revolt again,and before I could even fully grasp what was happening, I heard the words "code blue", and when I managed to open my eyes, I found myself surrounded by a small army of Dr.s, Nurses, all yelling out names of drugs to push, and transferring me from the chair to a cart, and whisking me away to the nearby ER where I did, most certainly and completely, recover!!


But like I do with other painful and scary events in my life, I shoved it deep down into the recesses of my mind, there to stay, until today, when God floated them up to the surface, just as my body was physically, safely suspended in the warmth of the pool and arms of a trusted caregiver, and mercifully gave me the courage to let them come out into the open, and into the light of His love, so I can truly and fully be restored.


While I know that there may be more difficulties to come in my life, I know that I will be OK.  I may fall again, I may have more pain, but I have a friend who will never let me go, and will help me up, brush the dirt away and wipe my eyes dry, and will stay by my side until He decides to bring me to where He is.


"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom should I be afraid?"
                                                                  Psalm 27:1


Father, thank you for flooding my heart today so sweetly and gently with the light of your unfailing love, for illuminating the dark, hidden shadows of my past and replacing them with the bright shining summer evening of hope to my life.
                                             Amen