Sitting here at my desk on this more than frigid Thursday morning, attempting to tackle the piles of papers that I have been avoiding for days now, I am feeling compelled to avoid them a while longer, and write. I know from experience that for me, feeling this is a very good thing. It means, among other things, that I am having a "good day". This is especially good news as the temperature outside with the windchill is about 30 degrees below zero, which is painful for nearly everyone, and doubly painful for me. The temperature on the inside of my house says that it is 70 degrees above zero, making it about 100 degrees warmer! I should feel warm and toasty, but this is definitely not the case! My body is encased in dual layers of warm and comfortable clothes from top to bottom, yet I am still shivering, and the tips of my fingers are blue. I tried to go outside with the dog to let him do his business, and despite having on even more layers to protect myself, I could feel the biting cold sink in deep. We both came back in as quickly as we had gone out and can only hope that by the time we have to go out again, it will have warmed up even a few degrees. In the mean time, I will attempt to stay warm by drinking lots of hot tea, and for now, by keeping my fingers moving on the keyboard of my beloved computer.
Looking outside from the window by my desk, it appears to be a very lovely day. The cloudless sky is bright and blue, the sun is shining with as much intensity as it can for this time of year, and the snow that covers the ground, the trees and surfaces of nearly every structure glimmers like a blanket of millions of diamonds. It looks like a perfect day to get outside for a walk or to engage in some other activity that one who enjoys the great outdoors even in the dead of winter would certainly want to do today! Having experienced being out there for even just a few moments though, I know better. As the saying goes, "looks can be deceiving", this is most certainly true today!
This reminds me of something else, more pertinent to my experiences of living with chronic pain. For the most part, on most days, if one were to look at me, it would appear that I am a happy, healthy, vibrant individual, full of life and joy. They would see a smile, which typically signifies happiness, and if invited, would hear a cheerful voice engage in conversation, even if just to answer a quick question of "how are you?", with a reply of "I am doing well, thank you." Like the appearance of this day from my kitchen window though, it would be deceiving. What they wouldn't "see" is that beneath the smile and other physical attributes that would suggest otherwise, I am in pain. I am in pain both physically, in multiple parts of my body, and I am in pain emotionally and spiritually. I am weary and afraid, and at times, so tired that I would rather that the day go on without me having to be a part of it at all. I am uncertain of what the future holds, and wonder if I have the strength to keep on keeping on. Even in the midst of people, family and friends, I often feel very alone.
Earlier today as I was quickly scanning my Facebook page for updates, one post in particular grabbed my attention right away. Part of what it said was this:
..."It's a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside...Never judge what you don't understand."
After reading the post, I hit the Like button, re-posted it on my own timeline, and commented, "true, so very true." For a moment I felt a sense of vindication, that in proclaiming this to the Facebook world, I was somehow a bit more victorious over my circumstance. It felt good to think that maybe if they, whoever they may be, knew more about me than what meets the eye, they would think differently, and would maybe even treat me differently.
Now hours later, having more time to think about what I read, and what I said in response, I think maybe these statements are true for every person, whether living with pain or sickness, or not. I also have been wondering more deeply how it is that I would want people to treat me if they knew these things about me. To this point, I cannot come up with an answer to that question. What I do know is this. Every person has a story. Every person is on a journey of some kind. Every person has at some point experienced adversity. Every person deserves to not be judged based on outward appearances. Every person is in need of love and understanding.
And so, for the remainder of this day, and for the days to come, I will strive not to be understood, but to understand, not to be loved, but to love. For in so doing, I know, that I will experience peace, even if I am in pain.
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