As the silence of night begins to settle in, the brazen noises of my mind quickly take over and soon, despite all else around me remaining quiet and calm, become as deafening and incessant as the ocean tide in the midst of hurricane force winds.
At first they are but a whisper of an event of my past days, or a reminder of something I need to do in the days to come. Then, despite all efforts I make to quiet them and be at peace, they keep coming, faster, louder, stronger, like a run-away train on tracks that have no end.
"Stop!", I say..."leave me be!" But still they come. I write, I read, I distract myself with a game of Scrabble or Solitaire on my Kindle. For brief moments I think they've given up. I turn out the light and settle into the warmth and comfort of my bed, my sanctuary, and before my eyes even fully close, again they invade me, and again I try without success to make them go away. Again I struggle to be still, but as I do, the noise is accompanied by pain, and anxiety, each increasing in strength with each unwanted thought until I feel as though I'm drowning, silently screaming for help, with no one at all to hear my cries or see my struggles.
I know I have to take matters into my own hands. The choices I have are usually quite clear and easy to make, but at other times are muddled with confusion and uncertainty, and I freeze, unable to do anything but continue in my torment until exhaustion takes over and forces the noise to stop, at least for a while.
When peace returns by whatever means I choose or have chosen for me, I thank God, and pray for the courage and strength to begin again, to keep breathing and keep living, trusting that as I try again to let go of all my pain, He will hold me up, and never let go. He will show me how to turn it all into something good for the sake of helping someone else, and to bring Him glory that only He deserves.
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